THE MOURNER’S BILL OF RIGHTS
During their presentation on Wednesday evening March 16th, three staff members of the Family Centers offered reflections on “Living With Grief.” They emphasized that, unlike healing after breaking a bone, healing from a broken heart does not progress in a predictable pattern. Different people grieve in different ways; indeed there is no preferable way to cope with feelings of loss. People coping with loss normally have a wide range of feelings: sometimes sadness at the loss of a loved one, sometimes relief that their loved one is no longer suffering; sometimes fatigue; sometimes loneliness; sometimes anger; other times guilt.
The guest speakers shared the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights,” coined by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt.
- You have the right to experience your own grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way as you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t let them tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
- You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
- You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
- You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. East balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
- You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
- You have the right to embrace your spirituality. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
- You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
- You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
- You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process. Not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avid people who are impatient and intolerant with you.